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"I think she's tougher than she looks." He said quietly, and I did my impression of a stoplight as he shook his son's hand. I must've been as red as my skirt. God damn it. What is going on?!Thankfully, that was the extent of the gauntlet. Casey was standing at the far end of the table and he bid us all to take our seats. He had the air of an MC about him, which made me nervous. I leaned over to John and whispered, "What the fuck is going on?" He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. He tends to go mute in crowds, even friendly ones."If you'll all be seated. Please! Please sit." Casey was saying. "Does everybody have a drink? No?" Two large beers were pushed in front of us. Then everyone raised their glasses and looked at us. I was getting right to the end of my rope, but John had already reached for his stein so I followed along."Thank you all for coming. John, Anna, I know this must be a shock, but we have some business to take care of tonight, so we hope you'll grin and bear. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how to engage it.Suddenly I realized what was so terrifying about being myself. I was petrified about letting the dominant part of me out. What if they thought I was sick. What if they laughed. Worst of all, what if I hurt somebody? Jesus. That would destroy me.But I was stuck on the horns of a dilemma. I.
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